Once upon a time, in the land of Tottenham, there stood a colossal IKEA warehouse. A place where dreams of affordable, flat-pack furniture came true, and where relationships were tested to their limits over the assembly of a BILLY bookcase. But alas, after 17 years of service, the Swedish giant decided to pack up its ALLEN keys and bid farewell, leaving behind a 608,000 sq ft void.

But fear not, dear reader, for this tale does not end in tragedy. Instead, it takes a turn for the bizarre. The former IKEA warehouse is set to become a throbbing cultural hub, vibrating with sub-bass and repetitive beats. Yes, you read that right. The place where you once argued over the colour of your KALLAX unit will soon be home to the Drumsheds, a 15,000-capacity venue for music, arts, and culture.

Now, before you jump to conclusions, this isn’t another money-grabbing scheme by Tottenham Hotspur. No, they’re not turning the old IKEA into a giant club shop or even adding all-night raves to their growing list of non-footballing ventures to take the attention away from their underperforming team. This is the brainchild of Broadwick, the same folks who transformed a disused printing press in Rotherhithe into the atmospheric clubbing destination, Printworks.

The Drumsheds aims to replicate the post-industrial feel of Printworks, preserving the old lift shafts, loading bays, and sprawling floors. It’s like a tribute to IKEA’s industrial past, but instead of flat-pack furniture, it’s flat-out partying. And instead of arguing over semi-pronounceable furniture names, you’ll be arguing over semi-pronounceable DJ names.

Broadwick’s director of strategy, Simeon Aldred, said: “We want Drumsheds, like all the spaces we create, to be new centres of cultural gravity that provide the basis for human connection.” So, if you’ve been craving human connection, get ready to find it in the most unlikely of places – a former IKEA store.

In a twist of irony, IKEA, which once caused a riot on its opening day that left six hospitalised, will now host events that are likely to leave many more worse for wear. But hey, at least this time, it won’t be because of a fight over the last EKTORP sofa cover.

So, Tottenham, brace yourself. Your weekends are about to get a lot more interesting. And remember, if you’re feeling nostalgic, you can always try assembling a DJ set. It’s probably easier than a BILLY bookcase.